You know how Cindy Crawford has a signature mole? Well, I had one, too. It was on the side of my nose. I actually always liked it. I thought it gave my face some character. It wasn't outrageously large or anything. In fact, when I lived in LA in mid-90s, I had head shots done; the photographer actually enhanced it. He said it was a cool feature on my face.
Not according to my ex.
Very early on, he asked me if I ever thought about having the mole on my nose removed, as well as two on my left breast. I'd had a passing thought about the ones on my breast because they were visible when I wore a bikini (sigh...vanity), but I liked the one on my nose. I told him so.
He told me that my face was so beautiful, but all his eyes focused on was the mole. And what a shame that was. He indicated that I would be much prettier if I had it removed.
"I had so many moles on my face. I had a bunch removed," he said. "It's no big deal and looks so much better."
As for the ones on my breast...he pretty much told me that they were unsightly. Very unattractive. That at the very least, if I didn't get the one on my nose removed, I should definitely get the ones on my breast lopped off. He encouraged me to make an appointment with a dermatologist to consult about it.
I did. My ex went with me.
The doctor said there was no real medical reason to remove the moles. That they weren't of concern from a skin cancer perspective. But, he said if I wanted them removed, he could do it. I told him I was leaning toward having the two on my breast taken off, but was unsure about the one on my nose. My ex piped up, asking how difficult it would be to remove. The doctor said that because of it's location (not a lot of skin), there was a chance for a noticeable scar, so it was up to me if I would be happier with a scar than a mole.
My ex started in. A small scar would be better. My face would look so much prettier without the mole. It was so distracting. And so on and so on.
Needless to say, I agreed.
The moles were removed about a week later. He came with me. The two on the breast were no big deal. The one on my nose? I almost passed out. It hurt so badly. I could feel the removal and the stitches pulling through. I had tears going down my face. A piece of me was literally being removed and I wished I could stop it but it was too late.
We went on vacation to a resort in Mexico not too long after the mole removal. The small scar that I "might have" on my nose? Try a gaping hole as it healed. The stitches opened up and a wide scar formed. It took a long time to look normal.
See for yourselves.
Control. It was all about control. Sometimes I wonder how much of it was to see what he could get me to do. How far he could push the requests/demands and how much I would bend. Encouraging me to remove moles so I'd be prettier?! How outrageous is that?!
I read something about abusers/narcissists/sociopaths not too long ago. It said that these people are so charming, so attractive, so dynamic, you just want them to like you. I know that's part of what it was. I just wanted him to like me. I was mesmerized, I was blind, I was smitten.
I wanted to be everything to him, even if that meant making changes to me. I didn't understand yet that I'd never be enough. Because people like my ex suck the life out of you. You twist yourself up in a pretzel to please them, but they're never satisfied.
They are emotional vampires.
And now I have a scar where my pretty mole once was. It's kind of a metaphor actually. I also have internal scars as a result of this relationship--scars on my heart and mind that won't ever be what they once were.
Love and Support for Kate Ranta and Family
This is embarrassing and so super personal and beyond mortifying, and some may not agree with this level of detail, but <throws hands up in air> here it goes. This is my blog and my story.
He made me feel insecure about a very, VERY private thing: my body.
I'll never in my life forget where I was and how I felt when this was said to me.
I was standing in his room, near the dresser. I had just showered and was wearing a robe. I'd untied the robe, with the intention of getting dressed, so it was hanging open. He was standing in the doorway to the bathroom, looking at me.
"Has it always looked like that?" he asked, his eyes on my lower half.
I didn't understand what he was talking about at first. I thought he meant my stomach.
"Well, I mean it has never been perfect but there's a little extra skin after being pregnant..."
"No. I mean your vajayjay," he said. He always called it that. It was super creepy and super gross.
I. wanted. to. die.
I felt my face get hot. "What do you mean?!"
He shrugged. "I dunno. It just looks...different...from other women's I've seen. I figured it looks like that because you've had a baby."
I just blinked, dumbfounded. He wasn't the first man I'd dated in the three years after my divorce and meeting him. I hadn't heard anything like this before.
Was I hearing this correctly?!?
"I...I'm not really sure what you mean..." I stammered.
"It just looks different. I can tell you've had a baby just by looking at it. It feels different, too. I can definitely tell the difference between women who haven't had a baby, like my ex, and you." He said this in a glib and cavalier way.
I remember looking down at myself and feeling so...mortified. I told him that I looked the same now as I did before I had my son, and that I'd never had any other similar comments before him--only that I knew that everyone's bodies are different and no one looks the same.
"Yeah...but I can tell you've had a baby. There's a big difference between women who haven't given birth and women who have. You got really torn up!" He said this with pity.
As if my son had done this to me.
**************************************
I can honestly say that I've never felt more unattractive in my life. I don't clearly remember how the conversation ended. I think I just shrugged it off or changed the subject. But inside I wanted to curl up in a ball.
Of course now I know what this sociopath was doing. By making me feel insecure about a very intimate area, he was trying to make me feel grateful that he was willing to be with me despite this egregious flaw.
When I was pregnant with our child, he asked the OB/Gyn if I could have an extra stitch after the birth. He asked that more than once.
Such evil. I was faced with such evil and I didn't even know it.
Love and Support for Kate Ranta and Family
The damage he caused in my co-parenting relationship--due to jealousy and control issues--was bad. But, he also didn't want me to have any male friends in general.
He couched it in "protectiveness" with manipulative compliments. That he "knew how men thought." That I was "so hot and so nice" he didn't want me to be taken advantage of. That men "just want to fuck."
He told me a story about a conversation his father purportedly had with him and his ex-wife when they were first dating, encouraging them both to not have friends of the opposite sex. That it just leads to trouble. That there's no reason to have friends of the opposite sex once you're in a relationship. That it only makes your partner feel uncomfortable and threatened.
I remember telling him that I didn't think that made much sense. I argued that it didn't matter if every male friend I had wanted to get in my pants--I have a say in whether that happens or not. And I certainly didn't have that sort of interest in my male friends, so what was the big deal? Relationships are about trust. I told him I trusted him.
After all, his "best friend" was a female.
That's right. His best friend was a female whom I embraced from the very start, and by whom I did not feel threatened. I didn't insist that we not hang out with her, that he not text her or communicate with her. However, I was not afforded the same level of trust and respect.
He "urged" me to take down my Myspace profile. I did it. I wanted to prove my loyalty to him. I thought maybe if I did that, he'd see how serious I was about him. But that wasn't enough. He wanted to see my emails. He wanted to know if any man at any time contacted me.
One time not too long after I'd moved in, I was bathing my son and had left my email account open. I had nothing to hide. I didn't even think twice about it. Suddenly he appeared in the bathroom.
"Who is Alex Brady*?" he asked.
"A former co-worker and friend...why?"
"You had lunch with him the week after we met? Did you fuck him?" he demanded.
"No! He's married! I've known him since like 1998!"
"Why didn't you tell me about this 'lunch?'" He made those air quotes, as if I wasn't telling the truth.
"I don't know! You and I had just met. There was nothing to tell!"
"I don't want you talking to him. If he's married, he definitely wants to fuck you. If he contacts you again, I want to know."
The conversation didn't end there. He could never just let it drop. He made little comments about Alex for months afterward. Wanted to know details about what I knew about this guy and his life. He'd ask me many different ways about whether anything physical had ever happened. I had a guilty feeling over something that had never happened!
It really is the most frustrating feeling in the world to be accused of something you didn't do. I truly felt that he didn't believe me that I hadn't slept with this guy.
And, actually, Alex did email me subsequently. But you know what? I did NOT tell him about it. I deleted the email, and then deleted it out of my trash. That's how it went. I knew an email would create an "issue" between us, so it was easier to just delete. I was asked often if I'd received any communications from men. I always said no.
Eventually I gave him the passwords to my email accounts, thinking that would prove I loved him and only him and had nothing to hide.
No amount of reassurance was ever...I mean EVER...enough. Not ever.
*Real name has been changed.
Love and Support for Kate Ranta and Family
I need to get this out there. I can't bottle it in anymore.
I feel like an asshole. I really do.
My life has been destroyed. Financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. My children's lives have been forever affected. They have their own struggles/issues now, which will likely impact their adulthoods as a direct result of this. My family is traumatized. There is steaming wreckage all around me.
I'm not sure that I fully forgive myself--or how I ever can. I'm not looking for pity or reassurance. I'm just being real.
I re-read my blog entries. On what planet was I living that these things were happening and I didn't run?
I've read about abuse. I've read about sociopaths. I've talked with therapists. I've talked with fellow survivors. I understand how I got pulled in and tricked by a very cunning and "talented" abusive sociopath.
But what was going on with me internally at that time that made me so lethally vulnerable to a predator like him? How incredibly low must my self-worth and self-esteem have been? How did I allow a man to so easily and swiftly gain control over my life?!
I want to say that I wasn't a stupid or weak person but...maybe I was. Because it was incredibly naïve of me to believe that no one would ever intentionally bring harm to me. But I think on some level I actually thought I was exempt from that somehow. Because I'm a good person who wouldn't want to intentionally and systematically destroy someone else's life, that also couldn't happen to me.
Besides, I know a "bad guy" when I meet him. Right? Bad guys are very obvious. They wear their assholeishness on their sleeves and I don't put up with bullshit anyway...
I guess what it comes down to is this: I was vulnerable because I had succeeded in everything else in my life except romantic relationships. I had an established editorial career at that point, good mommy, lots of friends, close with my family. But I had two failed marriages. I'd married and divorced my college sweetheart in my 20s, married and divorced my older son's father in my early- to mid-30s. I never took a breath to say maybe I needed to be on my own for awhile and not define myself by a man/relationship/marriage. Those divorces were tough, for different reasons. But I wasn't taking time to figure out why they didn't work, or to fully heal from them.
I was focused on the fact that I'd failed--and on not failing again.
And not failing again meant finding the perfect guy and having a successful relationship.
So maybe--secretly--I went on Match to find a husband. Maybe--secretly--I didn't like being alone.
Maybe, actually definitely, those reasons combined made me vulnerable to him. It's like wearing blinders. I saw what I wanted to see. Deep down, very deep, I do believe I recognized all those early behaviors as odd. But it wasn't enough to make me run. No. Because the package was so perfect. He was exactly what I was looking for.
What could go wrong?
Yes. I feel like an asshole.
Love and Support for Kate Ranta and Family
I'd been divorced for about three years before I met him. My ex, my older son's father, and I had gotten to a pretty decent place during that time where we were successfully co-parenting. We had taken him to a few monster truck shows together, sometimes had dinner together with him, and communicated about him in effective and positive ways. I'm not saying there was never conflict, but we had worked hard to get to that place.
Drama was minimal at that point.
I think I can pinpoint the moment that my ex became a real problem in the eyes of my abuser. It was probably within the first month.
We were in a store and my cell rang. It was my ex, who was at a concert. They were doing a cover of Beastie Boys' "Paul Revere." When we were together, I used to do the entire rap for his little girls. He'd called so I could hear it. I laughed and said something like, "Awesome! Have a great time!" I may have shrugged and made a "wtf" face.
But what I remember clearly was his face. He was not happy. Not at all.
The "blank empty" came into his eyes.
"What did he want?" he demanded.
"He was just calling from some concert. They're playing a rap I know all the words to." For some reason, I wanted to move on to another topic quickly. I could feel the tension rising.
"Well why is he calling you? He's still in love with you. Why do you answer his calls? Are you still in love with him?!" and on and on came the interrogation.
From that moment on, he was on a mission to drive a wedge between my ex and me. He began making constant comments about him being a "tool" and a "dork" and a "retard." He cut down his looks, his intelligence. He said that I shouldn't be friendly or even civil/cordial toward him. That it should be "all business" and matter of fact, and absolutely no more activities together with our child. That was not appropriate...unless I was still in love with him. Otherwise, I had a boyfriend now, and that should end. I shouldn't see his girls anymore either. We were divorced and they shouldn't be a part of my life. That only showed I was still attached. And buying the other parent a small birthday present for our son to give? Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts? All of which we had exchanged in previous years, for the benefit of our son, so he could give gifts? Also not appropriate. I had moved on and gift-giving, even if it was technically being handed over by the child, should be stopped. He wanted to see any emails I received from my ex, and insisted on being involved in responding to them. He would ask me often if I received any. I'm a bad liar. "My" emails went from friendly to flat and even somewhat combative in a very short time.
I know it sounds like I didn't stand up to him about any of these things. I really did, especially the gift-giving. I sent him links to articles about divorce and children, where experts said it's absolutely appropriate for ex-spouses to buy small gifts to give each other that the children would present. I argued with him that we were teaching our son the importance of recognizing others on their special day, etc. Nothing I said mattered. I think at some point I thought it was just easier to do it his way.
Besides, he said HE would buy gifts for my son to give me.
But the worst part was that he began to disparage my ex in front of my son. That was one I didn't back down on, but it never stopped him. He called him a "retard" often in front of my son. I'd admonish him, saying that it wasn't good for my son, that it's still his father, that he needed to not say such things in front of him. He'd then accuse me of still being in love with my ex because I was defending him. He said I must be, or I wouldn't care what he said. I explained over and over that it wasn't that at all. "I left him 3 years before I met you," I said. "I obviously had moved on or I would have gotten back with him in the first place." Accusing me of still being in love was deflecting my point, which was don't talk badly about my child's father in front of my child. Hell, or in front of me! I wasn't the one bringing him up all the time.
It didn't matter. The comments continued. All the way to the end.
And sadly, to this day, my co-parenting relationship with my ex, I fear, is irreparable. And, his daughters hate me for cutting them out. I can't blame them. They're in late high school and early college now. Young women.
Probably the perfect candidates to hear my story about abuse.
But back to the point: I was so bent on "proving my love" to him, that I didn't see all the collateral damage that was happening in my wake...and how long-term the effects would be. And the guilt I would carry. Likely lifelong.
But that's what sociopaths do! They systematically chip away at their victims' relationships so they become more and more isolated...and dependent on them. This would be the first of many.
Love and Support for Kate Ranta and Family
It's true. He stalked his ex-wife. And, sadly, when he told me what he'd done--he was smug and bragging about it--I didn't see the underlying message: if you leave me, I'll do the same thing to you.
We were out on his back patio sharing some wine and he launched into a tale about how he had "gotten back" at his ex-wife, who had left him less than a year before I met him.
He said she had cheated on him. He had confronted her, an argument ensued, and she left the house in the middle of the night. She had come back the next day with cops to get her belongings. He was upset that she had taken all the expensive jewelry he had bought for her.
Sound familiar?
But I felt badly for him. She had cheated on him, after all. "How could any sane woman cheat on this amazing catch of a guy?!" I'd wondered. I mean, how dramatic and over-reacting was it to come back with cops to get her things?? She was crazy. Oh, and as I mentioned in my first post, he also said she had abused him physically during the marriage. So she was crazy and violent. Oh, and he also said she had a drinking problem. And mixed Ambien with alcohol. So she was crazy and violent and a drunk drug addict.
This poor guy, mixed up with a woman like that!
He told me that after she left, a buddy of his through the military--a CIA agent--had bugged her car for him. He was able to log onto his computer and track her whereabouts. He said she had been going to a hotel frequently, the assumption being she was meeting up with her married commander whom she was fucking. He said he could have them both court martialed, but he was too nice a guy to ruin her military career.
The bug on the car also showed him where she had moved to. A gated apartment complex. He said one night, after an evening of wine consumption, he took Ambien to sleep. But at some point in the night, he woke up, GPSed her address, got on his motorcycle, and went there. He wanted to take back the sound system he had installed in her car, as well as the Garmin GPS he had so generously given her.
He said it was fuzzy because of the Ambien, but that he remembered being faced with a 6 foot wall when he got there. His adrenalin was pumping so high that he was able to scale it and hop over. He broke into her car and ripped the sound equipment out, along with the Garmin.
"She didn't have you arrested?!" I asked.
He snorted. No. She probably suspected it but couldn't prove it was him anyway. Besides, those were HIS things. He had bought them for her and he wanted them back, however he had to get them. She was an ungrateful bitch who didn't appreciate all he had done for her. It was his right to take back what was his!
"Oh yeah, I got her back good another way," he said. He chuckled, recalling that he had loosened all the nuts and bolts on her mountain bike when she asked for it back. That way, maybe she'd get hurt while using it.
You may be asking yourselves how alarms didn't sound off in my head when hearing these tales. It's all about delivery with sociopaths. As I re-tell it here, the narcissism and sociopathy is so glaringly obvious, however, at the time, I was only vaguely familiar with what a narcissist even was, and only in a very general sense (self-absorbed). When a sociopath tells a story, it's presented in such a way that it sounds completely normal coming out of their mouths, no matter how outrageously tall the tale is. I don't know how else to put it.
I was captivated by him. On some level, I knew it was bizarre--even criminal--that he had tracked her, that he had broken into her car. But on another level, as much as it grosses me out and pains me to admit it now, I found his "take charge, take no shit" attitude...attractive. <cringe>
There was another very important--and disturbing--tale he told me later about her...the day after we were married.
But that's for another blog.
Sociopath Checklist
Below is the very first list I'd ever seen about sociopathic behavior. I highlighted the behaviors he displayed in the above blog--his thought process, his sense of entitlement, his lack of empathy, his lack of morals and values, his cold and calculated vindictiveness. Sociopaths are terrifying. If you encounter anyone showing ANY of these behaviors, RUN. Immediately!
• Glibness and Superficial Charm
• Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
• Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
• Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
• Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
• Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
I've been thinking a lot about financial abuse.
I have spent so much of my time thinking about and healing from the emotional/psychological abuse--and obviously the physical pain and recovery from being shot by someone I once loved and trusted.
But there is a big financial abuse component to my story.
Part I: Showing Me the Good Life
I've mentioned before that I was a single mom with my older son when I met him. I pretty much lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I lived within my means, but with the high standard of living in the DC area, I didn't have a whole lot extra left over each month to go shopping, take vacations, etc. I wasn't strapped but definitely wasn't rolling in it either.
I had what I needed. I shared a townhouse with another single mom friend of mine and her kids. I had a car. I had clothes for myself and my son. We were doing just fine.
The most important thing I DIDN'T have was debt. I'd made mistakes in my 20s with credit card debt and had dug myself out of it, so by my early 30s, I was in good shape again. I didn't have a credit card; I was living off of my salary and the child support I received.
Then I met him.
We went on trips within the first few months. A trip to LA to see his military friends; a trip to Atlanta to see my dear childhood friend; a trip to a resort in Mexico (he bought my wedding ring there, along with tons of other jewelry). I was thrilled! I hadn't been out of town unless it was for work. I hadn't been on vacation in years. And he paid for it all!
I'd hit the jackpot!
The gifts began pouring in quickly. That birthstone bracelet and more jewelry (2-carat diamond earrings!...a 2-carat solitaire pendent!), then name brand shoes, then Coach purses, then entire shopping sprees for new clothes. "Buy anything you want," he'd said at Nordstrom.
So you see what he was doing. He was upgrading my life. He was upgrading ME!
He never outright said that I needed improvement, but judging by how quickly he bought those items, my appearance clearly wasn't up to par. I had a no-name purse, no-name shoes, costume jewelry, a sufficient but not flashy wardrobe. Well and the other thing is, he never asked me my shoe size or whether I wanted new shoes...or new purses or new clothes. He just bought what he liked and presented them to me.
At the time, I was grateful.
But also at the time, I didn't catch the other potential financial pitfalls into which he was leading me in his quest to make upgrades.
I drove an affordable Nissan Versa. I was maybe a year, maybe not even a year, into a three year lease. After a few months of dating, he talked me into upgrading to a sporty 2-door Honda. Turning my lease in early meant a higher monthly payment for the car. He said he'd help me with that. After less than a year in the Honda, he talked me into an Acura MDX. Yeah. That was significantly more expensive than the Honda. He said he'd help me with that.
I mentioned I was debt-free. He talked me into credit cards to buy furniture and other items for our home on the Army base. We needed new bedroom furniture, new couches, a plasma TV, a dinette set, a king-sized mattress. He said my credit was better than his...because of the thousands he owed for putting his education on credit cards. He said he'd help me pay mine off quickly though.
I had no reason to think he wouldn't. He loved me. I trusted him. I wanted to make our life and home better, too.
Do you think those debts were paid off?
Oh. And also? He refused to share a bank account after we were married. Unlike other abusers who control financially by taking over a joint account, mine refused to allow me to share. He wanted our money separate, period. I never knew what was going in or coming out of his account. Not ever. He didn't want me seeing what was happening with his money.
I never understood the secrecy. Until later.
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