You know how Cindy Crawford has a signature mole? Well, I had one, too. It was on the side of my nose. I actually always liked it. I thought it gave my face some character. It wasn't outrageously large or anything. In fact, when I lived in LA in mid-90s, I had head shots done; the photographer actually enhanced it. He said it was a cool feature on my face.
Not according to my ex.
Very early on, he asked me if I ever thought about having the mole on my nose removed, as well as two on my left breast. I'd had a passing thought about the ones on my breast because they were visible when I wore a bikini (sigh...vanity), but I liked the one on my nose. I told him so.
He told me that my face was so beautiful, but all his eyes focused on was the mole. And what a shame that was. He indicated that I would be much prettier if I had it removed.
"I had so many moles on my face. I had a bunch removed," he said. "It's no big deal and looks so much better."
As for the ones on my breast...he pretty much told me that they were unsightly. Very unattractive. That at the very least, if I didn't get the one on my nose removed, I should definitely get the ones on my breast lopped off. He encouraged me to make an appointment with a dermatologist to consult about it.
I did. My ex went with me.
The doctor said there was no real medical reason to remove the moles. That they weren't of concern from a skin cancer perspective. But, he said if I wanted them removed, he could do it. I told him I was leaning toward having the two on my breast taken off, but was unsure about the one on my nose. My ex piped up, asking how difficult it would be to remove. The doctor said that because of it's location (not a lot of skin), there was a chance for a noticeable scar, so it was up to me if I would be happier with a scar than a mole.
My ex started in. A small scar would be better. My face would look so much prettier without the mole. It was so distracting. And so on and so on.
Needless to say, I agreed.
The moles were removed about a week later. He came with me. The two on the breast were no big deal. The one on my nose? I almost passed out. It hurt so badly. I could feel the removal and the stitches pulling through. I had tears going down my face. A piece of me was literally being removed and I wished I could stop it but it was too late.
We went on vacation to a resort in Mexico not too long after the mole removal. The small scar that I "might have" on my nose? Try a gaping hole as it healed. The stitches opened up and a wide scar formed. It took a long time to look normal.
See for yourselves.
Control. It was all about control. Sometimes I wonder how much of it was to see what he could get me to do. How far he could push the requests/demands and how much I would bend. Encouraging me to remove moles so I'd be prettier?! How outrageous is that?!
I read something about abusers/narcissists/sociopaths not too long ago. It said that these people are so charming, so attractive, so dynamic, you just want them to like you. I know that's part of what it was. I just wanted him to like me. I was mesmerized, I was blind, I was smitten.
I wanted to be everything to him, even if that meant making changes to me. I didn't understand yet that I'd never be enough. Because people like my ex suck the life out of you. You twist yourself up in a pretzel to please them, but they're never satisfied.
They are emotional vampires.
And now I have a scar where my pretty mole once was. It's kind of a metaphor actually. I also have internal scars as a result of this relationship--scars on my heart and mind that won't ever be what they once were.
Love and Support for Kate Ranta and Family
It's true. He stalked his ex-wife. And, sadly, when he told me what he'd done--he was smug and bragging about it--I didn't see the underlying message: if you leave me, I'll do the same thing to you.
We were out on his back patio sharing some wine and he launched into a tale about how he had "gotten back" at his ex-wife, who had left him less than a year before I met him.
He said she had cheated on him. He had confronted her, an argument ensued, and she left the house in the middle of the night. She had come back the next day with cops to get her belongings. He was upset that she had taken all the expensive jewelry he had bought for her.
Sound familiar?
But I felt badly for him. She had cheated on him, after all. "How could any sane woman cheat on this amazing catch of a guy?!" I'd wondered. I mean, how dramatic and over-reacting was it to come back with cops to get her things?? She was crazy. Oh, and as I mentioned in my first post, he also said she had abused him physically during the marriage. So she was crazy and violent. Oh, and he also said she had a drinking problem. And mixed Ambien with alcohol. So she was crazy and violent and a drunk drug addict.
This poor guy, mixed up with a woman like that!
He told me that after she left, a buddy of his through the military--a CIA agent--had bugged her car for him. He was able to log onto his computer and track her whereabouts. He said she had been going to a hotel frequently, the assumption being she was meeting up with her married commander whom she was fucking. He said he could have them both court martialed, but he was too nice a guy to ruin her military career.
The bug on the car also showed him where she had moved to. A gated apartment complex. He said one night, after an evening of wine consumption, he took Ambien to sleep. But at some point in the night, he woke up, GPSed her address, got on his motorcycle, and went there. He wanted to take back the sound system he had installed in her car, as well as the Garmin GPS he had so generously given her.
He said it was fuzzy because of the Ambien, but that he remembered being faced with a 6 foot wall when he got there. His adrenalin was pumping so high that he was able to scale it and hop over. He broke into her car and ripped the sound equipment out, along with the Garmin.
"She didn't have you arrested?!" I asked.
He snorted. No. She probably suspected it but couldn't prove it was him anyway. Besides, those were HIS things. He had bought them for her and he wanted them back, however he had to get them. She was an ungrateful bitch who didn't appreciate all he had done for her. It was his right to take back what was his!
"Oh yeah, I got her back good another way," he said. He chuckled, recalling that he had loosened all the nuts and bolts on her mountain bike when she asked for it back. That way, maybe she'd get hurt while using it.
You may be asking yourselves how alarms didn't sound off in my head when hearing these tales. It's all about delivery with sociopaths. As I re-tell it here, the narcissism and sociopathy is so glaringly obvious, however, at the time, I was only vaguely familiar with what a narcissist even was, and only in a very general sense (self-absorbed). When a sociopath tells a story, it's presented in such a way that it sounds completely normal coming out of their mouths, no matter how outrageously tall the tale is. I don't know how else to put it.
I was captivated by him. On some level, I knew it was bizarre--even criminal--that he had tracked her, that he had broken into her car. But on another level, as much as it grosses me out and pains me to admit it now, I found his "take charge, take no shit" attitude...attractive. <cringe>
There was another very important--and disturbing--tale he told me later about her...the day after we were married.
But that's for another blog.
Sociopath Checklist
Below is the very first list I'd ever seen about sociopathic behavior. I highlighted the behaviors he displayed in the above blog--his thought process, his sense of entitlement, his lack of empathy, his lack of morals and values, his cold and calculated vindictiveness. Sociopaths are terrifying. If you encounter anyone showing ANY of these behaviors, RUN. Immediately!
• Glibness and Superficial Charm
• Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
• Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
• Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
• Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
• Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
