I know I haven't blogged in awhile. I don't really know why...other than to say that writing about these things can be emotionally exhausting. So I avoid. But I've thought of a few things recently, so I find myself back here.
Compulsive online shopping. When I talk about the financial abuse aspect of my story, I tend to forget about his compulsive online shopping habit. I always mention about the expensive gifts he gave me right from the start, as well as the vacations and the shopping sprees. But the fact is, the guy spent tons and tons of money online. On Amazon, in particular. He had Amazon Prime and seemed to get a rush from spending money and knowing his purchases would arrive in two days. I don't think I can even itemize all the stuff he bought. Shoes, household goods, absolutely random items, multiple purchases of the same thing if it was a good deal...to "give as presents" to people. I'm telling you, the UPS truck was in front of our house every. single. day. with boxes and boxes of stuff.
Should this have been a red flag? Uh YEAH! Sociopaths need a rush to fill the void. Spending sprees are a rush; we all get them and call it "retail therapy." That's normal. This was not. I couldn't understand the amount of purchasing.
At one time, I had diamond solitaire earrings, a 2-carat engagement ring, a diamond wedding band, a 3-stone diamond ring and a 2-carat diamond solitaire necklace. (He took all those and pawned them when we broke up, of course.) And those were just the diamonds. I had tons of jewelry in 2 very short years.
I know from him that he'd bought lots of expensive jewelry for his ex before me, as well. When the shit hit the fan with them, in what sounds like a similar fashion to how our marriage imploded, she came back to the house with cops and he hadn't hidden the jewelry yet...so she took what was rightfully hers when she left. He complained about that. Often. He stalked her online and pointed out to me pictures where she was wearing "his jewelry." It bothered him so much that she was wearing the jewelry he gave her. He really viewed it as his. He wasn't going to make that same mistake with me...and he didn't.
Anyway, point being, he spent a LOT of money. And because he refused to share bank accounts, I never really knew where all the money came from for this stuff. Surely a captain's salary in the military couldn't fund all this stuff. I'll likely never know the true story behind his finances. Although not much shocks me anymore when it comes to him, I'm thinking the shadiness behind the finances probably would.
No friends/not close with family. This is probably one of THE biggest red flags for me right now. If a guy doesn't have any friends? Not close with his family? Run. There's something wrong if he's got no friends. There's something wrong if he doesn't talk to or particularly like his family. Normal, well-balanced people develop and nurture relationships. We crave closeness with people--and beyond just the person we're in an intimate relationship with.
He had one friend. Okay two. One was a guy he met probably two years before me, at his previous Air Force base, but who was then stationed across the country in California. Another was a female lieutenant in his current unit (remember: I wasn't allowed to have male friends; but I was expected to accept and befriend her, which I did). He'd lived overseas early in his military career, then was in the Midwest from the early '90s to about 2006. You mean to tell me in all those years, there were NO friendships formed. Deep bonds from military life? From the years he was in college? Those were the only two and very recent?
He was estranged from his father. He claimed it was because his father loved his ex-wife and was upset he had fucked it up. So they weren't on speaking terms when we met. His mother did call and he did call her once in awhile, but trips from DC to NJ where she lived were infrequent and he often didn't want to stay long and even overnight. He didn't talk to his two older brothers.
He essentially was alone in the world.
He shot his dog in the head. I just remembered this one. He told me his Vizsla dog he had in the '90s had gotten old and sick. The dog didn't like to go in the car as it was, but he was taking it to the vet to be put down. The dog, probably sensing what was going on, became aggressive about getting in. So instead of figuring out a peaceful way to handle the situation, he takes the dog out in the woods and shoots it in the head. WHO DOES THAT???!?!?!?!
Not normal. Not normal at all.
That, my friends, is a sociopath.